This poem is cute, but I know it could be better. It was written to be inserted in the novel I am working on, about a forbidden love between a human and a demon.
Rising Home
Take me forth in to the clouds
And In to the vast unknown
Away from flesh and bone
In to skies that lead me home
In this world there is pain
collected from the knife
that turns true love in to shame
So take me far from this life
Home exists only with you,
Hidden in your embrace
My loved friends were replaced
As were my morals and grace
I will leave everything behind
I’ve no intent to return
And know not what we’ll find
but heed my heart that yearns
Down in earth’s complex
People die torn a part
Fearing the “poisoned darts”
Forgetting their true hearts
Guide us to new beginnings
And leave not a trace
or stand working, all laced
Up, and allow the constant chase
Take me forth in to the clouds
Away from flesh and bone
And In to the vast unknown
In to skies that lead me home
It's almost like a song, the rhyme scheme is interesting and the poem is well rounded. The friends stanza seems to wander a bit.
ReplyDeleteMaybe create more imagery around this person where home only exists.
I'm incredibly envious in your ability to rhyme so well. I like that you repeated the the first + last stanza. I think it really tied it well together. I do agree with Joel that the friend stanza wanders a bit. But other than that, really cool poem!
ReplyDeleteMy favorites are the first and second stanzas where the poem is most connected to this world, the grounded, painful one below. I do like half rhymes like unknown/ home and pain/shame… but I'll show you all the kinds of rhyming poems I most admire next week :) Did you know there is a science fiction & fantasy poetry journal and website… that I'll post to the blog? you and a few others in our class should absolutely send them some work. They have new themes with each issue. Thanks for sharing this good piece.—kw
ReplyDeleteThank you guys so much. I agree with what you all said about the friends vers. I will work on that. That's the part of the poem that is most difficult to write. Thank you for your feedback. I thought the ryming was a bit too ... slanted. Anyway, thank you so much. I would loke to see that Professor Weisner.
ReplyDelete