I wrote this randomly over the weekend. It is a total experiment, and dedicated to my best friend Lindsay. I hope you like it.
The Things I Sleep
With
Sleeping with dead
sunflowers
by my closet door
the ones you gave me
for
a broken heart
tasting so sour
I can’t throw them away
but I should throw
them away
I sleep with rose
quartz under my pillow
the one from the gem
show
to help me change and
grow
that I cleansed it beneath
the willow
the one I showed you
That makes me miss
you
I sleep with an empty
tea cup
the one we choose
to ground, that we
use
before card readings
chatt’n it up
It’s like I am with
you
If only you knew …
I sleep with a
talking book
by Cassandra Clare
To escape this nightmare
and the time wasted that
it took
I listen carelessly
And curse restlessly
I sleep with
something else too
the touch of your
hand
the scratching beach
sand
giggling … and memories
of you
something that will
never fade
… something we made
Here is the revision. I combine what I think I liked in each revision so far. I'm debating if I should go back to the original on the ending.Also, I meant to mention that my origninal version was inspired by a question someone asked me. So thank you Henry!
The Things I Sleep
With
By Casey Bernasconi
I sleep with dead
sunflowers
By the closet door
The ones you gave me
for
A broken heart,
tastes so sour
I should throw them
away
I can’t throw them
away
I sleep with a rose
quartz heart
Under my pillow
Cleansed by the
willow
you showed I at
Indian park
to help me change and
grow
the one I got at the
gem show
I sleep with a
talking book
By Cassandra Clare
To escape my
nightmares
And wasted time that
it took
You wanted me to read
Recorded over
hopeful pleads
I sleep with a large
tea cup
Empty just like me
Until I forget to see
You, I’ll fill it
when I wake up
A circle of grieving
Of your sudden
leaving
I sleep in that small
rock cave
By the angered sea
Where we ran quickly
From the tide until
saved
Crying our caw sound
Writing my love in
the ground
I sleep with a
redwood stick
To protect my
nobility
To mask my
vulnerability
Despite it, I still
feel sick
With burning tears
Over you my dear
I sleep with our
friendship
Screechy loud music
crow feathers mystic
and our reckless
mischief
clutching me tight
sinking in through
the night
Good Good! The rhymes are not forced despite the meter. It's a sweet poem, although sad, the end has a nice bit of closure, that I like the most.
ReplyDeleteI like the length of the first version better. It keeps all the stanzas about concrete things. The phrasing is better in the second version though, has much more immediacy. "I sleep with dead sunflowers" is a million times stronger than "sleeping with dead sunflowers", for example. Personally, I'd keep the second version through the teacup stanza, then add the original closing stanza. Nice imagery in both though, and very clear voice. Your feelings stay obvious and consistent throughout. and the rock cave, redwood stick, and friendship stanzas in the second version are all good writing, I just don't feel your original poem is strengthened by their addition. So maybe put aside for another poem? good job though, as always!
ReplyDeleteThank you Barb and Joel for the feedback. I do agree. I guess I just have trouble killing those added verses. lol
ReplyDeleteLoved the revision! I liked the old ending, but like the new one better it goes with the poem better and I think the last two lines fit really well since it ties back to sleeping. Also love these lines, "Crying our caw sound / Writing my love in the ground" those made me smile :)
ReplyDelete