Thank you for any comments... They are greatly appreciated!
A Random Night Log
6:21 My body is a battering ram
Blasting through the front door
Air
Carries Trash's
Heavy dose of cologne
Scalding my nose
I love it...
Makes me feel something
Feel something...
Florence
And the machine
Keep my ears company
For the beat when my feet don't clap the concrete...
My eyes are starving for a new picture...
And black girls can't be anorexic
Say two fat lips on my stomach
my left brain is an insomniac
Whispering
Create, create
till morning comes
Sun--That ever punctual dimwit--
Pokes me with it's rays--
Creating a glare in lenses...
Blurry astigmatism eyes are watering...
Tomorrow...
They promise...
7:12 Running,
High top tread shelters weeds
Housed between concrete slabs...
Daddy Long legs walk on other spider-webbing cracks...
Don't understand it's not home...
It's not home...
A cop passes
Missing a hand
Says hello,
But it really means
"What are YOU doing here?"
Pink cracked lips
Do the splits
Just Give him an easy crooked smile,
Yes, now Show him your hands...
Not Calloused.
I'm Just
Smooth
White icing pressed against an Oreo night...
Like him.
The only words I know
Are
Yes and sir...
Just stay still...
Scanning almost complete:
Over light eyes and long hair,
And expensive running gear...
There it is,
The nod...
Slowly releases my breath and I .
Mystery solved, Foxy Brown,
Hand just curiously wandered away to his gun.
Do not run...
From bear or bull
But Especially not a Shield...
Let it move first...
Until it's a glinting spot under soft glowing orbs.
8:03 A cat notices me
On the long way back
A Patchwork of every color,
Loosely Hanging off his bones...
His blue eyes
Spoke
Fluently of nine lives almost lived...
So I asked him,
Will the world ever change?
Really Change...
But he didn't answer
Just gave me a cat's smirk,
And walked me home...
enjoyed this. it's more of a dusk or evening log, really, isn't it? I like the little surprises each section brings and the attention the poem pays to each moment of the narrative… and how it has cultural relevance outside the speaker's own experience. Do other readers want things clarified at times? or are any details somehow extraneous? Is the cop stopping the speaker out of concern for her transgression or her safety?
ReplyDeleteI'm very glad you enjoyed it And thank you for your input! I see what you mean, a couple lines are extraneous, a few others are murky...
DeleteI will definitely be sharpening my pencil to make a few small, important tweaks...
Thank you as always For making me use my little grey cells, dr. W :)
Wow! I really like this poem for its subject imagery, senses, and lines. You took something that would be hard to write about and did it beautifullly. The times of each stanza really pull it together, and give it a journal like quality. Really love it. Oh, I love Florence and the Machine. lol
ReplyDeleteCasey,
DeleteThank you so much! I was inspired by my environment and It all just flowed out. The time stamps, I added on right before I posted, I really wanted to root the reader in the moment... And it seems to have worked! Oh, and yes Florence and the machine totally rocks!
A very flow of consciousness poem, it seems like, especially with the use of ellipses. It feels like the way thoughts enter and leave the mind, sometimes trailing off into nothingness and beginning with a new one, just to do the same thing again.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious, though, do the time stamps have any particular meaning?
Tim,
DeleteThanks for checking it out! And I love that you imagine I possess so much depth. Honestly, I love ellipses and just use them subconsciously, but I'm very glad it added something to this piece!
Well, I normally stretch my legs around 6...
But if you notice the last numbers are 1,2,3 and that was like stanza/ mini act 1,2,3 to me... :)
I really love the rhythm and flow of this! Definitely seems like thoughts streaming into and out of your mind, very cool :) And I especially love the ending!
ReplyDeleteAlanna,
DeleteThanks for reading, girl! It was definitely a stream of consciousness, on the fly poem... And I'm glad It turned out so well... And I'm very glad you loved the ending!
this is great, ashley! I love the way you used the time stamp to make it so immediate for the reader, it's a great device. this is a very enjoyable poem to read!
ReplyDeleteThanks Again! You Rock!!! :D
Delete