I long to leave my footprints
On the sands of your mind;
To doodle with a piece of driftwood
In hopes of engraving myself into your memory.
Though I know the waves of your imagination
Shall soon perhaps wash every trace of me away,
I will remain stubborn and persevere.
I wish to whisper my name
In the background of your internal monologue
So that you do not forget what my voice
Tastes like in your brain.
I wish to be the pens and pencils you grasp
So firmly in your grip;
The keys you always remember to take with you;
The notebooks you let your
Mind wander around in.
But I know that I will fade,
A polaroid picture sitting out in the sun.
A pen you’ve used much too much.
I will fade,
And your memories of me will drift away
Like grains of sand in the wind.
Hold me for as long as you can.
Take a fistful of sand,
And you’ll see that because I am broken into tiny little pieces,
I am never to remain.
Just wrote you a comment and managed to lose it, ugh! Like this love poem very much. You have a wonderful style, strong voice, good images, nice movement of mind.
ReplyDeleteFor the ending, how about shortening seven lines to four:
I will fade,
And your memories of me will drift away.
Take a fistful of sand,
Hold me for as long as you can.
Remember, you can take or leave my ideas! Just enthusiastically showing you how I work with poems.
Maybe these four lines:
Though I know the waves of your imagination
Shall soon perhaps wash every trace of me away,
I will remain stubborn and persevere.
I wish to whisper my name
—could be:
Though I know the waves of your imagination
Shall wash away every trace of me,
I will whisper my name
**
One other thing—is there anything more interesting than pens and pencils that the beloved could carry? Just to give him/ her more characterization?
Keep up the great work and thanks for posting such a good piece.
—kw
I really like this poem. There are a lot of aspects to it. On one hand they make for good surprises. On the other it sounds like several potential poems in one. That is not a bad thing. It makes for a more in depth poem. I am just thinking maybe you could distribute these aspects differently. Then again, there is a fluid wondering or explorattion of feeling in this poem, and the format does indeed suit it. I see that you were trying to conclude those ideas at the end. The word you use in all the lines are both surprising and delightful. Could you change the ending completely? Could you merge some of those lines in to each other? Could you sprinkle the lines more randomly? This idea of pens and pencils, could you maybe merge the idea of driftwood and other objects in to writing tools to tie it together? Just some suggestions. I want to see this poem finished. I really do love it.
ReplyDeleteGreat imagery! The picture in the sun was fantastic.Sad statement on the human mind.
ReplyDelete