I wanted to give these poems to the teacher, but decided I liked the idea of putting them on the blog instead. I would like to know how to improve them, and have specific questions I was hoping to have answered for each.
The Character Itachi Uchiha from the anime Naruto captured my heart for quite a long time, as well as my inspiration. I began to imagine him as lover or a friend, and often wondered what that might be like, so these two poems are my decications to him. He is an assassin spy, and talented [ninja.] These poems may be crazy, but I think they have lots of potential and love them.
#1 You love me?!
savoring
warming skin
fiery breath within
wavering
in and out of my soul
Oh the craving
of the engraving!
breathing in
your essence
wind and smoking insence
drink and sin,
but I bare no guilt for this
I'm weathering
the fears withering!
child like
and adicted
so strongly affected
by eyes like
aging harps, full of song
what was dwindling
is now rekindling!
quivering
twitching screaming crying
and slowly dying
shivering
for we are at the highest ligh.
Oh the craving
of the engraving!
its relieving
our lips touching, tingling
your soft hair tickiling
you say "I love you" yet again...
I am craving
the engraving!
1. What do you think of the structure? I'm almost tempted to put the repeating phrasing as its own stanza.
2. What do you think of the last stanza? I feel like it is a bit incomplete.
3. Is the message clear?
4. What do you think of the title?
#2 The Grays of Love
Little did you love me
yet I awaited your embrace.
Little did you hate me
Yes I see it all in your face
this long lasting love and lust
never a seed of trust
yet I still long for it
torn apart and frayed
from conflicting flames
still sucking to get the last drop
Kiss or stab me. It's all the same
It all gets me going, don't stop
it's part of the adventure
even the painful departure
yet i still crave it.
Oh the rising breath of a kiss
and the sudden pull back
sugar coded costly bliss
forget the fairness it lacks
just keep me bound to this insanity
and just forget our humanity
Yet I hate you truly
Yesterday it was tossed to the wind
at the ready to touch others
who have spent their summer in sin
those women, those lovers
Yet I want to slave to please you
I won't ask you to say "I love you"
yet i long to hear it
1. What do you think this poem is about? I am still unsure if I described the way I felt accurately. I can't tell if I am trying to be sarcastic or not or both.
2. This is a first draft? What suggestions do you have when I revise it?
3. Again, do you agree with the title?
1. The structure is fine.
ReplyDelete2. I think this is a good way to conclude the poem.
3. I appreciate that you are trying to communicate a rekindling of childlike wonder that you had grown apathetic toward.
4. I suggest you call this poem "the engraving"
1. This poem seems to be about an obsession with self-destructive tendencies.
2. Fix minor capitalization mistakes,
3. Are you asking if I agree personally with the declaration imposed by this title then yes. However, I believe you could come up with a better title for this poem.
Thank you! I did not see that first poem that way.
ReplyDeleteThe second one was trying to depict a love hate too.
I almost see the second one as being story like, so I see myself and the other man as characters. When you write fiction you need to be clear on how these characters feel. I'm still trying to figure out how my character feels about the other. I asked, because I wasn't sure if the love hae was clear. That helps a lot thank you.
Casey, really enjoying reading all your work, both posted here and elsewhere. Maybe the second one in particular could use the a title like "For Itachi Uchiha"—something to bridge where you're coming from to the reader's experience. I have minor editing thoughts about both of these wonderful creative efforts! Let's talk at some point about it. I don't know that the last stanza helps the first poem, I'd consider leaving it off. It may dilute the experience of the whole. I like Adam's title idea. The preposition "of" in "of the engraving" maybe could be "for the engraving" or even "Oh, the engraving"! Maybe that one stanza could end "aging harps/ song was dwindling/ now rekindling"… spelling: incense, childlike… and is it "highest SIGH?" It says "ligh" here. As for the stanza form in the first poem—at best it's sort of Poe-like—is it ABBACDD? It seems to vary. Love both these efforts. Casey, keep writing!
ReplyDeleteThank you. i had to write it on my computer, so I might have made errors. Sorry. Thank you for the feedback. yes we will talk, but your office hours don't work. I will talk to you a bit after class, and we will work on this together.
ReplyDelete