I wrote this last night, I have a quandary which I'd love opinions on. Technically, the bee I wrote this about is a Carpenter Bee, but I used "bumblebee" in the poem because I thought it sounded better. But now I'm not so sure, it might be cooler to be entomologically correct. So tell me - leave it "bumblebee" or change to "fat black carpenter bee"? Thanks!
the bee
_______
the fat black bumblebee
shiny and ungainly
as a piece of obsidian with wings
languidly buzzes
through the cascade of jasmine
spilling over the peeling fence
his legs heavy with pollen
the ungainly creature
defies gravity
as he careens like a carnival bumper car
from one sticky flower
to the next
graceless
the swollen insect
lifts and drops
maneuvering drunkenly
unaware of how
profoundly
the odds are stacked against his survival
in a world of plastic flowers
that have no need of one
so fat
so black
so misunderstood
Ooh, this is such a tough choice!!! I agree with you...Bumblebee does have a better flow. It also conjured up the imagery for me of it Bumbling when you say,
ReplyDelete"Graceless
The swollen insect
Lifts and Drops
Maneuvering Drunkenly"
So maybe you could put the
" 'Bumble' bee" ? Highlighting one of the creatures traits could tie it together.
Honestly, though...
This piece reminds me of honey...
The combination of words are sweet, sticking to you long after you've finished reading the page!
Simply BEE-utiful! :D
@Ashley thank you very much for the input, that's cool that you felt that bumbling connotation, I hadn't even thought of that but now it delights me. thanks for reading it, and thinking about it! %^)
ReplyDeleteWonderful poem, I really like it.
ReplyDeleteI'm all for the entomologically correct version— carpenter bees. :)
We need poets to be accurate gazers into the natural world. So many of my favorite poets
(say Gary Snyder, or Ellery Akers, or my friend Charles Atkinson) — they teach us how to see accurately into nature in their poetry — and remain exciting in all the other poetic ways as well.
My thoughts about the ending— something like (just a thought, to compress, to pay attention to form, to think of what matters most—it's a little slacker here….
graceless, swollen
lifts and drops
maneuvering drunkenly
unaware how profoundly
the odds are against
his survival in a world of
plastic flowers that have no need
of one so misunderstood,
so fat, so voracious.
(or something like that). Keep up the great work ! —kw
I love this poem! You will finish it! :] Of course the idea of omitting the reference to the carpenter bee is up to you, but not many people write about carpenter bees, or know that they are. It will not change the rythm of the poem, and I love your verbs and adjectives. The rhythm reminds me of a bee. You can do what you like, but I would keep to that quick rhythm. I feel it gets messy, but it might be one of those poems that you appreciate best when read out loud. You should know, I'm still struggling to put together a poem, to feel inspired. You r poem got me there. Thank you. Hope you have an easy revision.
ReplyDeleteJust 'Carpenter Bee' would probably work. You could add a stanza with a parallel between the bee and an actual carpenter... maybe contrast the legs heavy with pollen with shoes covered in sawdust. As it is, the poem's terrific. "Cascade of jasmine" is a part I really like.
ReplyDelete@adam oh my god yes. that's it. JUST carpenter bee. I don't NEED the fat black there, at the end is enough. thank you thank you thank you. there's my rhythm. so simple, but I couldn't see it. and this is just what I meant in class today - if it's troublesome, then often it just needs to go.
ReplyDelete